WhyMe?! Comics - Sometimes You've Got To Ask..

Oh and in case you don't already know, Yoshi is in it too... In all his lovable form. Yoshi is a rideable, fruit-juice spewing machine of sludge destruction and he really likes fruit. Also in the main town by using the manholes you can get about quicker, this may seem a little silly but there are some hidden coins down there and the best thing of all is, the old underground pipe music from the original Nintendo Super Mario Bros. is back! Yay! Also you can gather up extra water nozzels for your Fludd pack and even take on the hard assed multi-platform levels, where Evil Water Mario steals your Fludd pack and you have to go about this super hard platforms and get it back, normally this rewards you with a Shine. Oh damn the Shine's! I forgot the Shine's! A Shine is what Mario also needs to run around and collect, 120 of them to be exact, just like the stars in Mario 64. There are of course your standard coins but instead of those hard to find red coins as in Mario 64, you now have blue coins.... so yeah. And Bowser's son makes an appearence, personally I'd like to know what chick on earth would father Bower's kid. Okay naturally it wouldn't be a women, it would be a female turtle shelled dragon but none the less... Bowser, I mean come on... As far as I know the only chick in the Mario storyline featured is Princess Peach. Are we to believe that all the while she's been in those dungeons she's actually been enjoying herself? If Peach is the mother of Bower's bouncing baby boy (which I highly doubt), this reviewer has just one thing to say... Ewww (haha I make funny crack at game storyline, me is so smart). So yeah back to the review.

Without a doubt in the world I can definetly call this game the best one to come out on GameCube yet, but what I would really like to see is the addition of the Mario Bros. back in a game, together. Hell I'd like to see Peach, Toad, Mario, Luigi, Wario, Yoshi and Bowser all in a game together! I miss the little critters. But even though Super Mario Sunshine does not include all my favourite characters of the Mario world it is still by far the best Mario game I have seen released, it may be no more than what you'd expect from a Mario game but it's still more than what we gamers deserve.

DEAD OR ALIVE 3
[ X-Box ]

Recently I decided to brave the elements that is Microsoft and try and use the X Box. This is the part where I tell you the X Box should be called the X Crate and make some funny joke about it being able to house a small family of four... But I won't. Instead I will give an actual review of Dead Or Alive 3. First off I know this game house been out for a while but it's the only other game I've played thus far for 20 minutes... Make that 20 seconds considering that's how long it took to finish the game, I mean damn! I started cooking some Magi Noodles so I could eat while I play the game and found myself finishing the game and going back to check on my still cooking noodles, I've had boxes of Macca's cookies that took longer to finish. Anyways on with the review...

What I basically got out of this game limited storyline was that you could choose any character at all and much like any fighting game (eg. Tekken, Street Fighter, Soul Caliber, etc.) you just fight people til you finish the game and are rewarded with that character's special little video, wooo can ya feel the antipation? Neither could I. In fact after I finished the game with a character that's martial arts specialty was Jeet Kun Do... It resembels a cross between a Bruce Lee film where he dances around and howls like a monkey and Muhammad Ali's trademark shuffle, go figure. Oh when I originally wrote this I was unaware that Jeet Kun Do was actually the style invented by Bruce Lee, amazing hey? I found it out when I was watching Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story at me girlfriends house and believe it or not I was eating noodles then too, anyways... After I finished the game with this character I went ahead and watched the end video, and that was the only thing that saved the 20 minutes of so-called gaming 'pleasure' that I got. Now turn away all you stupid '1337 geeks' or whatever the f**k you call yourselves cause I'm gonna give out a spoiler here in case you don't already know it. Of this one character I viewed the movie of, in this movie I swear to god that everything from his neck down looked so photo-realistic it was enough to make me drop my noodles. As for his head, well all one can say is.... Blah, it really was horrible.

As for the gameplay well it's just like any other fighting game, you kick, punch, jab, etc. It's all still the same. Having not played any previous Dead or Alive games I would have to say if this is their 3rd try and making the game I wouldn't be going back to the drawing board, I'd go back to the cave walls! I really did not enjoy this game. The graphics in this game are by far one of the coolest things I've seen and I can't wait til I get to play me a little Dead or Alive Extreme Vollyball! It's got something in it called a 'bouncticity' metre, or as I like to call it... The Bounce-Titties Metre. (hahaha I'm teh funniest mofo). A mate of mine was me while I played this down right shoddy production of a game and I have to say it's really sad seeing a 18 year old male not only spend 2 hours in the bathroom doing his hair of a morning but actually drool over this chick character in DOA called Tina. I'm not exagerating either, saliva literally fell out of his mouth and dripped on the controller... It's so sad.

The levels are pretty cool offering heaps of chances to get kicked off the edge of a cliff and go plummeting down to another cliff face as well as get totally smashed right through plat glass windows and go hurteling towards moving traffic on the streets below. Ya see I just love that stuff because in real life I don't get to fight that often and smashing a CG character through a giant glass window then watching them go falling ot their untimly doom is really quite satisfying (I've booked the pyschiatrist for Monday). So yeah there's that and a whole load of combos that you can learn but they're all written in Japanese so you have no idea what the hell it is you have just done and therefore starting thinking your cool because you've had to learn what the moves are called in Japanese and now you can speak Japanese.... good for you.

In conclusion of this game I must say that everything within the game itself, as in animation, modeling, textures and general graphics looks f**king A+++. But as for everything else I'd have to say it just blantently sucked ass, no worse than that, pig's ass, yeah a pig's. The gameplay was not really thought about but then again what fighting game ever does? In retrosepct I guess this was just a game that was made to show off the graphics that Team Ninja can pull off. And now with Dead Or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball being out, I think I can safely say with out prejudice that Team Ninja just make games for the asthetically pleasing values they can hold. At the end of it all I would say that this christmas, don't buy Dead Or Alive. Of course the chances are high that if you even own an X Box you probably already own Dead Or Alive, since that was one of a few games that were out and maybe even came with the X Box during it's time of release. Oh by the way, Game Boy is still kicking ass as the leader in world sales, suck it down Billy!

We all know that Neversoft's Tony Hawk series likes to "go big" from time to time and change things up (THUG & THUG 2 anyone?) And in Tony Hawk's American Wasteland they're at it again as we're slapped silly with another dose of change and given a game that shys away from the destruction aspects of the previous games and gets right back to what made the series great in the first place. We're talking old school people, right back where it all began.

Now for some bizarre reason that still perplexes me, instead of being able to create a character from scratch for your story mode (like in the previous Hawk series), THAW gives you five characters to choose from. Now what the shit is that? It seems totally freaking pointless! I mean, you choose your character from the five that are on offer, then a cutscene of you getting on a bus plays (after a montage of lamely delivered MTVish comic book art) and for what? WHAT?! Grrr... So on this bus you meet some wench that is as annoying as she's supposed to be, then you get off and then get beaten up for your shit. So right off the bat, you're losing. Anyways you meet this punk emo goth chick called Mindy and she basically teaches you everything you need to know and guides you throughout the game.

The first two tasks you're set with involve you having to get a haircut (which is good cause I chose the "Dickhead With A Shaved Mullet" character) and getting some new threads ("clothes" for the uninitiated). I just want to point out at this point how fucking commercial this game is. Oh yeah, it's fine to have actual labels and brands and stuff, I'm fine with that. But what is with the choices in fucking hairstyles?!! I'm sorry, am I playing Taking Back Sunday's American Wasteland? Bunch of sissy emo mop-tops! Seriously! Don't know what I'm talking about? Good! You're lucky, but rest assured those that HATE what emo has done to our youth of the nation are going to be spitting chips when they see what THAW has on offer in the haricuts department. Seriously, there wasn't one "normal" haircut there. I could probably of gone for a crew cut or just the shorty, but if I wanted to create myself in the game (which I more than often do) I would have to have slightly longer hair (and a few extra pounds). But yeah, fine! I can't get that specific hair right? Well I'll choose "medium" then hey? WRONG!! Only the bloody fringe was medium and it was covering my damn face!! Fuckers... Who thought looking like a total cock would one day be considered popular.

Anyway at this point you'll also find a local skateshop and you'll be able to pick out a new deck and wheel colours and all that jazz. But you won't be able to get things like Hats, Sunnies, Backpacks, Shoes or Tattoos til later in the game. I got through to Beverly Hills and I didn't find a Tattoo Parlour so I'm hanging out for that in the later levels. Oh and did I mention that even after you mess around with one of the "fantastic five" you've been given to choose, you can't play with that skater back in the Free Skate or Classic modes? Well yeah, you can't. I don't know why, but so far not one new decision in this game seems to have a reason behind it so I'm just taking it for what it is... An idea built from the minds of smack attics.

When it boils down to it, the main path in the game revolves around a group of local skaters, it's leader (a skate legend apparently) and their home away from home, The Skate Ranch. Basically you've just got to run around collecting garbage from around the levels and bringing it back to the Ranch. That and doing stuff for your friends too. But yeah, when you first rock up to the Skate Ranch it looks pretty crummy. Large, but crummy. So it's up to you to build this sucker up from it's landfill roots and turn it into the most happening pad this side of the Sunset Strip. You'll be basically running around collecting dino-heads, pieces of buildings, naked statues, all kinds of crap. It sounds lame but it's actually kinda cool when you keep revisiting the Ranch and noticing all the new stuff throughout it. Eventually the Skate Ranch turns into one bitchin' landfill with a mountain of ramps and rails to bust some phat lines on. Personally? The Ranch is a sick edition to the Tony Hawk series and if they decide to keep pushing for more titles, I'm hoping this is one feature that'll stay with them.

We've all heard of the new major perk about THAW from the marketing gurus, the new and improved "NO LOADING". Of course we could all venture a cynical guess about this and know that they're flat out lying and of course we'd all be right. There is loading, there's just no loading screen. What we get is something like the loading tunnels in Ty The Tasmainian Tiger 3: Night Of The Quinkan, where the loading happens all in the background as you make your way through the tunnels. For instance, the tunnel from Hollywood to Beveryly Hills is that of a shopping mall. Plenty of things to get some tricks off, but no real substance or thought behind it. I mean hell, they really could of made it work but they sort of just left it to it's own demise. I personally had a good time trying to make the game have a heart attack by going back and forth through the loading trigger areas. It didn't crash but it did chug at times.

So it's not the open landscape we were expecting like in the Grand Theft Auto series, but it works. The levels are broken up and each new one connects to a previous one and you can skip the travel by taking the bus or the car so it's all good, you can't really complain about it. The good news is that all the little levels and individual areas are still designed in the classic Hawk fashion that we've come accustomed too. I can't say that they're designed with the same essence of LA as suggested, but I can say that they're enjoyable and large enough to have some fun with.

Speaking of the classics though, Classic mode features entirely different zones and areas than those you'd find in the Story mode. Most are the refitted levels from previous Hawk games with the oldest of the levels, like The Mall from THPS, having things like reflections and high-detailed textures woven into it like finely sewn chinese silk. They're barren when compared to the later levels and stuff but personally, you can't complain. This is exactly how you'd want your old Hawk levels to be. That being said, there are a few little changes with the combo lines in that they're some what harder to hit than they used to be. Which is good because the early versions of the Tony Hawk series (THPS 3 & 4, THUG 1 & 2) had everything pretty well drawn out for you. This time around things are a little trickier, forcing you to be more inventive with your lines. Here's hoping that they stick with the classics and still have to use our brains to keep those combo lines going.

The game controls are a little nastier this time around thanks to the edition of a few new on foot moves and much advertised BMX stuff. And while the tutorial will definetly help out the new comers with this stuff, it made me want to flat out kill myself. But you get through it and move on so all is good. However what I did notice was that the difficulty level seems to of been taken down a notch this year, no doubt to help those pansy emo bitches from sucking so much because they can't see fucking screen through thier fringe! Seriously, even the packaging is emo! Black and Pink?!? Come on Tony, you're better than that! Ergh, forget it. Anyways so yeah, the game just doesn't appear that challenging. I think I might scrap my current career and try and go for the "Sick" setting as "Normal" just isn't providing the challenge right now.

I mentioned the BMX earlier... And that's all I'm going to say on it. It's all that needs to be said.

The game features online support, but that's garbage. I understand that a lot of people like to play their console games online but serisouly, I didn't get a console with 4 player support to sit by myself and play against people I don't know. And I'm really getting peeved at having my hand forced to play online if I want to have fun. Is it that hard to believe that I want to actually physically slap my mate for pulling a bigger score on that ramp than me? It's not enough to hear him going "You bitch!" when I smash his combo line. I want to see the sweat forming on his panicked brow! So here's a messege to those out there that need to hear it...